don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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