Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
