Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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