saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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