just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
