my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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