I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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