I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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