this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
As shirtless as possible
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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