Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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