So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize