I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It's blow job season.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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