my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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