worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
