Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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