I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
