If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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