He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
