Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
