he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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