I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize