You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
