Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
