Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
