You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
