I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
