I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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