My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize