Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Randomize
