all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize