My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
