when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
