I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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