I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize