why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
