just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
did i just pee glitter
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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