she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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