The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
