I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
