Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
foreskin is a definite game changer
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
