I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
