When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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