Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
