I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
