Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
