I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
