He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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