Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
