You just made me feel so damn special
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
