dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
