Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
