I can text with my tongue
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
