what day is it and did you see me today?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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