I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
