it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
