I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you traded sex for a burrito?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Your cock deserves a montage
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize