Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I think I sprained my soul last night
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
