for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
