My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
