He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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