Me too!
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
