I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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