OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
