ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize