P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
