Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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