The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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