I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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