You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
PANTIES FOUND
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