We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
