My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
only you would photoshop your dick
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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