dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
