were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
