and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
there is puke in my bra ... again
I'm having to shit out rocks
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