The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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