Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
